It's impossible to talk about contentment without feeling like my mother. Contentment is a mother word--along with homework, broccoli, and character-building experience. To compound the problem, the verses about contentment imply that we should go about this whole-heartedly-we should joyfully welcome pain, always be rejoicing, always giving thanks.

It's the spiritual equivalent of working out-you know you should do it, but it's not inherently appealing. Like the Bally body everyone wants, no one really wants to do the work to get there (and while contentment may require as much work as perfectly toned abs, it doesn't get stares on the street). Bottom line: contentment means hard work, and the payoff seems questionable.

What You Really Want

Why should you care? Because contentment is what we're all looking for, whether we know it or not. We give it names--different names for each of us, and different sometimes from day to day or year to year. We deem it "a date Friday night" or "an afternoon in the sun on the pink Bermuda sand" or maybe "an arm around me at 6 a.m. in the quiet morning." Sometimes we get even more specific: the bookish one in accounting, the guy who leads worship, the flirtatious friend. We name it these things to make it tangible. We track its patterns in the lives of others and imagine how it will be for us: It will arrive on the Red Line at Union Station, we will bump into it in line at Starbucks on the way to work, and life will change. It is happiness, by definition. And until it comes, we sit and wait.

The thing we want, though, is the happiness itself, the contentment--not the nom du jour we've given it. Contentment is available without any of the extra packaging. It's elusive. Look for it in the Friday night date or the marriage proposal and it may not be there-and it may be too late for you to get out. Find it now, and it will be a constant companion. Expect it to come later, and it may always elude you.

What It Is

The Definition

Contentment is being OK with something (or a lot of things) you're not OK with. It's being satisfied with what you have. It's the ability to open up wide and swallow whole the lot life has given you.

Sound appealing? Maybe not. Give it a chance. Too many people I talk to sit out weddings or vacations or solo trips to the movies because they're discouraged. If you're in their situation, contentment may mean getting your life back.

One guy shared in the Crosswalk.com forums that he skipped his best friend's wedding because he couldn't stand the pain:

On Memorial Day weekend, I "chickened out"--I did not show up for my best friend's bachelor party nor did I show up for his wedding. I WAS WRONG! Why? Because I could not bear the agony of going alone nor could I face my current state of singleness when two become one.

I've suffered through enough baby showers and bridesmaid dresses to know that when you aren't content with your singleness, it's impossible to share the joy of others.

Contentment is being able to laugh with a friend when her fiancé throws out all of the pew bows she stayed up until 3 a.m. making. It's being close enough to hear those stories, rather than avoiding the details and showing up at the wedding as though it were a pulling-off-a-Band-Aid experience. Contentment is a Friday-night sigh of relief to be home alone. It's being able to enjoy a niece's baby shower, a friend's new house, a brother's successful business. It's a security in who you are that enables you to experience the compounded joy of friends' triumphs. It's the ability to look peacefully at the future.

Contentment is beauty. People who are content radiate peace, a warm acceptance of life, love and concern for others.

It's a Decision, Not a Feeling.

Contentment is a determination of the will. It's not a higher state of consciousness in which you never again desire what you don't have. It's not waking up every day to sunshine with a smile on your face.

Some days, it's realizing that you're about to turn 37 and the biological clock you thought had settled down is about to explode. It's having to go through all those feelings one more time. It's determining to deal with it one more time.

It doesn't always feel good.

The feelings often come, though, after the determination is made. In my own life, the more I've stretched and toned my contentment muscles, the more content I feel for longer periods of time. But then I'm hit with a gut-pinching realization that I am alone, that all would be better if I could just have that fabric-softener-cologne-deodorant smell of a hug . . . and I get ready for another round.

To be content is to accept the gifts of God with thankfulness and willingness to do His will. You don't have to feel like it. You just have to do it.

What It's Not

"I'm OK, I'm OK, I'm OK."

Some of the email I get from readers concerns me. They seem to be stuffing down all of their pain, putting a good face on it, and calling it contentment.

You can't tell yourself you're OK without dealing with the pain you've been through, or the longings you struggle with every day. You have to face up to them. Otherwise, you don't have contentment. You have a fantasy world in which you learn over and over again to ignore your deepest feelings and pretend they don't exist. It's a recipe for emotional disaster.

Ironically, at some point, contentment requires the ability to be broken and needy. If you can't admit your own brokenness, you can't accept it. You can't determine to be thankful for it.

It's Not Dependent on What You Have.

It's tempting to think, "If only I were married, I'd be happy." But (so my friends tell me) the coveted item changes. The mantra becomes, "If only I had kids . . ." And then, "If only my kids would behave . . . " or "If only my husband would respect me . . . " We're always one step away from what will make us happy.

A number of married people emailed me to tell me contentment didn't meet them at the altar:

Your article reminded me again that being 'alone' isn't just connected with singleness or marriedness. I have felt as much or more 'alone' while being married than I did while I was single. While single I had a great social/support network. . . .

I think it's important to realize that the issues of adequacy, contentment, and Christ-centeredness that you talk about are not at all unique to singleness. Any Christian struggles with these same issues-they are a part of spiritual growth and I would hesitate to call any faith genuine if it didn't spend a measure of time grappling with them. . . . even in marriage, the need for GOD is not met. A married person, as much as a single person, must daily recognize Christ as the source of help and contentment. I really don't want to minimize the special struggles of a single woman, but I do want to remind you that we're all in this together! The mystery of finding contentment and fulfillment in Christ is one we can all relate to.

I enjoyed your column and I do believe everyone could enjoy contentment. I just haven't found it. The only time in my life I was ever contented was when my three children were born. Raising them gave me great pleasure. Now my oldest is in the Air Force. I have two still at home. . . . They are at an age that they don't need me as much. . . . My husband is off doing his own thing, as always. Frankly I don't know what it is that I want to do. I feel inadequate and have a very low self esteem about myself. . . .

Everyone struggles with contentment. Don't slip into thinking that this conflict is unique to singles, or that you'll be able to leave it behind with your single friends when you slip on a wedding ring.

It Doesn't Eliminate Your Desires, or Your Past Hurts.

Contentment isn't about getting rid of your desires or pretending that you don't want to get married. It doesn't remove the pain of divorce. Contentment and your desires and hurts can coexist. They should coexist. You can't eliminate your feelings, and you shouldn't try.

Sometimes we think that if we desire something we don't have, we can't be content. Jim fell for that lie, as he shared in an e-mail to me:

I think that singles who are so super spiritual that they don't want a relationship with a member of the opposite sex are hiding behind their Lord to cover their own inadequacies. I would like to be married and I don't think that the super spiritual singles have a right to tell me that I should be content being single.

Jim has a point. Some people, trying to grasp contentment, push down all their longings and pretend they aren't there. Jim doesn't believe he can be content because he wants to be married. Both are wrong.

Lara struggled with this distinction, too:

I get very frustrated when people try to make my desire for a husband sound like either a lack of trust in God or not allowing God to meet all my needs. I am satisfied- MORE than satisfied with all that God has provided me, but I will not feel guilty for my desire for a partner here on earth.

The example of Christ the night before He died is the best example of this delicate balance. He begged God to let this cup-his crucifixion-pass from Him. He spent the night before He was arrested praying desperately that God would take it away. He sweat blood. But He determined to be content with the fact that He had to face Golgotha, the vinegar, the spear, the dark cloud of His father's abandonment. He would only be content with God's will:

'My heart is breaking with a death-like grief' . . . 'My Father, if it is possible let this cup pass from me-yet it must not be what I want, but what you want.' . . . 'My Father, if it is not possible for this cup to pass from me without my drinking it, then your will must be done.' (Matt. 26:38-42)

Was Christ content going to the cross? Yes. But it wasn't easy for Him.

And though our burden pales in comparison, it won't be easy for us, either.

It's OK to struggle. It's OK to want to get married--it doesn't nullify your contentment. Don't let Satan tell you otherwise.

What It Requires

Complete Abandonment to the Will of God

An angel appeared in Mary's room and told her she would have a son who would be Jesus, the Lord, the Savior of His people. Mary wasn't sure what to make of this-she wasn't married, in the first place, and wasn't sure why the angel would have called her "favored one," and said, "the Lord is with you!" The angel told her, "The Holy Spirit will come upon you, the power of the Most High will overshadow you. Your child will therefore be called holy-the Son of God. . . . no promise of God can fail to be fulfilled" (Luke 1:35-37).

Mary's response is beautiful: "I belong to the Lord, body and soul, . . . let it happen as you say" (Luke 1:38). Her life had just gone from normal, predictable, and quiet to out of control and impossible to explain. She would be pregnant and unmarried. Joseph would have every right to send her away. She would carry the social stigma of being an unwed mother. She doesn't doubt that what the angel said would happen. She doesn't withhold herself from any part of it. Her heart is full of praise.

Mary's words carry the weight of a resolute decision she must have made long ago. She didn't have to think about her response. She knew that she was God's. She knew that she would do anything God wanted her to. If the angel had said, "Mary, tomorrow you'll die for your faith," her answer would have been the same: "I belong to the Lord, body and soul, let it happen as you say." Mary had abandoned herself to God's will for her life.

We need Mary's abandonment. We need to throw ourselves open to whatever God has for us, to be able to pray "let it happen as you say," whatever that means for our lives.

A "Prayer of Abandonment" by Charles de Foucauld, a monk, echoes Mary's heart:

Father, I abandon myself into your hands; do with me what you will. Whatever you may do, I thank you: I am ready for all, I accept all. Let only your will be done in me, and in all your creatures- I wish no more than this, O Lord. Into your hands I commend my soul; I offer it to you with all the love of my heart, for I love you, Lord, and so need to give myself, to surrender myself into your hands, without reserve, and with boundless confidence. For you are my Father.

When I am discontent, I pray this monk's prayer. It affirms the things I know but forget in the barrage of daily emotions: My life belongs to my Father and Lord. I love Him with all my heart. I want Him to do whatever He will with me. I pray, and peace floods my spirit.

Recognizing the Value of What You Have

"The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not be in want." David recognized that God would meet all of his needs. God restored his soul, went with him through the worst circumstances, taught him to live rightly, gave him an abundance of goodness and love, and the prospect of an eternity in His house. All of this, and David wanted nothing else. He says in Psalm 16:

Lord, you have assigned me my portion and my cup; you have made my lot secure. The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; surely I have a delightful inheritance. (verses 5-6)

David goes on later to explain exactly why He feels so fortunate:

Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices; my body also will rest secure, because you will not abandon me to the grave, nor will you let your Holy One see decay. You have made known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand. (verses 9-11)

David's deepest needs were filled by God, not by the things God gave him. He valued his relationship with God above everything else.

My own relationship with God is turbulent. My journal entries range from despondent ("Today God is to me an ogre, a demon. He is harsh, judgmental, cruel.") to joyful ("I am loved by God with an amazing, unbounded, all-knowing love."). David loved God with all his heart, but didn't always understand Him, and often lost sight of Him. The same David who gave us Psalm 23's picture of rest ("The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not be in want.") gave us Psalm 22, which begins with the cry of desperation Jesus echoed on the cross:

My God, my God, why have you forsaken me? Why are you so far from saving me, so far from the words of my groaning? O my God, I cry out by day, but you do not answer, by night, and am not silent. (verses 1-2)

Yet, David's soul and body longed for God (Psalm 63:1), so he kept pursuing.

In Psalm 73, Asaph talks about his struggles with jealousy after watching the success of the wicked, and the unfairness that set off the writer of Ecclesiastes:

But as for me, my feet had almost slipped; I had nearly lost my foothold. For I envied the arrogant when I saw the prosperity of the wicked. They have no struggles; their bodies are healthy and strong. They are free from the burdens common to man; they are not plagued by human ills. . . . This is what the wicked are like- always carefree, they increase in wealth. Surely in vain have I kept my heart pure; in vain have I washed my hands in innocence. All day long I have been plagued; I have been punished every morning. . . . (verses 2-5, 12-14)

Karen echoed Asaph's frustration in her email to me: "I really wrestle with contentment. I know that most of us do. But what I am so . . . I guess, angry about . . . is that I have done all the 'right things.'" Maybe you can relate: "God, I did everything right. My friends who went off and did their own thing are happy. They're not alone. What about me? I followed you . . . for nothing."

Asaph continues by looking at the final end of the wicked, and concludes with God's sufficiency:

When I tried to understand all this, it was oppressive to me till I entered the sanctuary of God; then I understood their final destiny. Surely you place them on slippery ground; you cast them down to ruin. Yet I am always with you; you hold me by my right hand. You guide me with your counsel, and afterward you will take me into glory. Whom have I in heaven but you? And earth has nothing I desire besides you. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. Those who are far from you will perish; you destroy all who are unfaithful to you. But as for me, it is good to be near God. I have made the Sovereign Lord my refuge; I will tell of all your deeds. (verses 16-18, 23-28)

We have access to the same God. It is good to be near Him. He is our guide and constant companion. He watches over us carefully. He restores our souls, so we are fully known and fully forgiven. We will never be without His presence, His guidance, His love, or His best for our lives. They are all we need. With them, we lack nothing essential. We don't always understand Him, but our souls and bodies long for Him, so we keep pursuing.

Seeing Good in Bad

As you may have guessed, it doesn't stop there. The radical Christian perspective on life calls us to recognize eternal value in things that are downright painful.

Paul mastered this. He chose to be satisfied (well-pleased is the actual translation of the Greek word) with the thorn in his flesh, although He prayed that God would take it away:

Three times I begged the Lord for it to leave me, but his reply has been, 'My grace is enough for you: for where there is weakness, my power is shown the more completely.' Therefore, I have cheerfully made up my mind to be proud of my weaknesses, because they mean a deeper experience of the power of Christ. I can even enjoy weaknesses, insults, privations, persecutions, and difficulties for Christ's sake. For my very weakness makes me strong in him. (II Cor. 12:8-10)

Paul also learned to view his imprisonments as something good. He writes in the letter to the Philippians,

Now I want you to know, my brothers, that what has happened to me has, in effect, turned out to the advantage of the gospel. For, first of all, my imprisonment means a personal witness for Christ before the palace guards, not to mention others who come and go. Then, it means that most of our brothers, taking fresh heart in the Lord from the very fact that I am a prisoner for Christ's sake, have shown far more courage in boldly proclaiming the Word of God. (Phil. 1:12-14)

One of my closest friends was diagnosed with a large, most likely malignant tumor at twenty-four. "I don't understand Christians. Everybody's praying that I'll get better. Why? Why don't they pray about what I'm going through, that I'll be able to learn what God has for me? God may heal me. But he's doing so much more through this than just that."

The church's response was to pray for healing, but Anna wanted more than that. She wanted to walk through the depths of that experience. She knew it would change her life. And she knew that she needed to be changed. She desperately longed to be more like Christ.

Today she would tell you, "Sometimes you pray for a blessing and get a tumor--and it IS a blessing." She rejoiced in what most of us would wish away.

To be truly content, we have to be able to see the value in our pain. God is at work. He doesn't waste our experiences. He's using them for a higher purpose that we can't always discern. We just have to have the faith to accept that, and-eventually-to rejoice in that.

Taking Time to Learn

Toward the end of the book of Philippians, Paul writes perhaps the best-known verses on contentment:

. . . I have learned to be content, whatever the circumstances may be. I know now how to live when things are difficult and I know how to live when things are prosperous. In general and in particular I have learned the secret of eating well or going hungry-of facing either plenty or poverty. I am ready for anything through the strength of the One who lives within me. (Phil. 4:11-13)

Paul learned to be content in the varying circumstances he faced because of the power of Christ living in him. It's important to recognize that this takes time. Paul wrote this verse toward the end of his life. He'd been through shipwrecks, beatings, imprisonments, and near-death experiences. He learned contentment over a lifetime.

Someone told me, "You can do that now! You can be content right now because Christ is living in you! Like Paul said, 'I can do anything . . .'." I don't believe that. I can make choices now that will help me be content, I can learn more about contentment, and, eventually, I may be able to echo Paul's words. But I have a lot to learn, and I have a feeling it's going to take a long time.

Content With Today

Two weeks ago the mulberry tree in my backyard was covered in fruit. The squirrels were incented to acrobatics by berries dripping off the branches. Berries littered the ground, the deck, my neighbor's back porch. They were beautiful, lush, and inherently short-lived. Today the branches are bare.

I wonder if contentment isn't the mulberry of spiritual fruits. As soon as we produce it, it begins to rot and fall off the tree. We think we've arrived, but our branches are quickly stripped bare. We don't get to produce one permanent crop and move on. We can't afford to think that we have this one mastered.

The most difficult battle I face is the battle to be content with today, whatever today looks like every time I climb out of bed. To be content that I have to go to work, that I don't really enjoy my job right now, that I'd rather be doing something else, that a friend took an hour of my time to tell me everything about her life and didn't make me feel any better about mine, that I can't understand how a succession of individual days like this would ever add up to anything important. I may get together with an old friend, only to realize that her life is perfect and she has everything I ever wanted. I may just feel that sinking feeling deep inside, and realize I've grown away from the contentment I thought I had.

Each day, I have to choose contentment. And for the big things in life, I'm going to have to choose it again and again and again.

It's Possible

My in box is full of stories from people who have aspired to contentment. Susan wrote, "I struggled for twenty years with being single. I wanted God's will, but I wanted so desperately to get married. I could not understand why God would not give me a husband if He loved me. There were five basic things God taught me through my struggle that have been an encouragement to me. . . ." She lists the sovereignty of God, her completeness in Him, the way He meets her needs, and loves her, and her need to encourage other struggling singles. She continues:

I am truly content with being single. I never would have guessed that I could ever be happy being single, but I am realizing how much God loves me. My desire now is to love the Lord with all of my heart, soul, and might (Deut. 6:5) and work on developing a close relationship with Him. I am burdened for single women who think they have to get married to be happy. (And I get so frustrated when I hear someone say 'if you want a husband, just pray and God will give you one.' That is not necessarily true.) I try to encourage single women to trust God with this area of their life and allow Him to love them.

Others echo her theme:

I am recently divorced. I was married for sixteen years and have two kids. I eventually found out my ex-husband was living a double life and just figured out that he has probably done that since I've known him. . . . I cannot explain how great my relationship is with God. I have learned over the years to completely turn to Him and rely completely on God for everything. It is amazing how content I feel in my life. I have peace and joy. . . . I have told others how content I am and they have a hard time believing it. I do too compared to the way I used to feel without a guy in my life. I know the fulfillment comes from my relationship with God and all the blessings I have in my life and how everything has turned out.

I am a pastor ...that has been "single-again" for eleven years. I've really wrestled with the very issues you discuss. It has only been in the last three months that I have experienced the contentment that God has for me in my singleness. Once the contentment came into my life, there has been tremendous peace. I realize that I have a wonderful life and that even though I am not married, this is where God intends for me to be. WOW, what a release! God is good. Sometimes, knuckleheads like me are a little slow in realizing it though. If more Christian singles realized their completeness in God's plan they could be so much happier. Too many Christian singles try to live the expectations of other Christians and rush in another relationship or marriage just to feel complete. What a mistake!

No matter where you are right now, contentment is possible. And if you decide to try it, it will open your eyes to thousands of blessings that are hiding right under your nose.

What Do You Want Your Life to Be Like?

As we sat over coffee, KC asked me bluntly: "So what do you want to be like if you don't get married? That's the question you have to face."

We were musing over the issue at hand: singleness and how to deal with it-the thing I kept giving to God and yet not really getting rid of in my heart.

"It's like a ball and chain," KC said. "You give it to God, you lay it at His feet, and when you get 20 or 30 feet away you realize that it's still got you."

Karen Clark, 38 and single, was well satisfied with her situation in life. She worked at the same harried pace that I did, and she'd been carrying this burden of singleness for much longer than I had, but she was completely at peace. She wasn't striving with the world. "What do you want to be like if you never get married?" She was the only friend bold enough to challenge me that way. I decided to try to be content, like Karen.

I hope you'll join me in the journey.

Copyright 2002, Lori Smith